Thursday, December 22, 2011

Government Takes Over Marriage

In the name of "Marriage Equality" the Feds have decided to take over the institution of marriage. President Obama promised that "People who are happy with their current marriage can keep it." A representative for Americans for Progress added, "It is clear that the free dating market does not work.  The number of unloved and sexually unemployed people has been stagnant.  We can no longer wait, it is time for bold action."

The newly formed Reproductive Services Agency (RSA) will decide who is to be married. The agency will begin hiring immediately. Favorable disposition will be given to existing public employees seeking managerial positions within the RSA. Unspent funding from the 2009 stimulus will be used to establish the agency. The President and his supporters in Congress point to the legal authority to establish the RSA as granted under the mandatory provisions for health insurance and the interstate commerce clause.

"No longer will individuals with incomplete information be burdened with this important decision," according to Senator Harry Reid, "President Obama was elected with the promise for change and it has arrived, finally." Opponents immediately resorted to incendiary descriptions including "socialism", "communism", "tyrannical and unconstitutional."

Gay marriages will be included due to constitutional equal protection requirements.  Unmarried tax filers will be used as the pool of available adults. They will be paired with other unmarried filers and shall hence forth be legally married. Spouses will be revealed upon filing individual 2010 tax returns. Those who do not file 2010 tax returns but are eighteen years of age or above are also eligible.

Marriage is the single most important factor determining American poverty. So this move will significantly improve key economic indicators. The estimated 100,000 new RSA agency positions will reduce unemployment numbers. RSA offices established throughout the country will impact the commercial housing market. Foreclosures are predicted to plummet as single income families convert to dual income due to the progressive policy. Keynesian economist Paul Krugman predicts a baby boom that will benefit the failing Social Security and Medicare systems.

Marriages may be appealed to a RSA review panel. Objections require both spouses to submit individual requests.  Valid objections include non-gay same sex marriages and pre-existing relationships in which a couple lives together. A congressional oversight commission will also be established. Congress is exempt from the new marriage provision.

(sarcasm)

7 comments:

SarahB said...

Genius!

K T Cat said...

Sperm and eggs from each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs!

We need baby equality now. There thousands of gay couples who have not been able to conceive no matter how hard they try. This is injustice!

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