Monday, February 20, 2012

Who is the Better President for the Zombie Apocalypse: Barack Obama

In honor of the return of AMC's The Walking Dead television series, lets mix presidential politics with the imminent Zombie Apocalypse!

GQ breached the subject in an piece entitled "Which Candidate Would Shane from The Walking Dead Recruit in a Zombie Apocalypse?" By Andrew Richdale.  Jon Bernthal, the actor who plays Shane, cited Barack Obama due to his:
"unbelievably inspirational speeches. Plus, he's an athlete."
Lets start our review there with Barack Obama as the first in this series.


Barry is an excellent talker and has plenty of thuggery and community organizing under his belt. He is underhanded, deceitful and used to killing which may play well in a zombie infested hell. If you recall the 2008 primary, Obama ran the dirtiest most vicious campaign in recent history against Hillary Clinton. Charges of racism were leveled against Bill Clinton and at one point Hillary was reduced to tears proclaiming "shame on you." In a zombie Apocalypse, Obama would definitely break knees to ensure his own survival.  As a dictator promising zombie protection, Obama has a cold, ruthless appeal.


On the Obama down side, there would be no wealth to redistribute. Scarcity would be extreme and, as the Jamestown settlers discovered, only individual incentive and ownership can lead to group prosperity.  To restate in Obama's leftist lingo: collective salvation is impossible without other people's resources. Cannibalizing and sacrificing the living, thus the future, would become policy.

How It Would All Play Out:

In a 2012 Barackalypse the first couple days would go well. Desperate masses would join the ranks of Obama followers, inspired by his ruthless yet "articulate" rhetoric and ability to adhere to Rule #1: Cardio. Shortly thereafter, groups of people being used as zombie bait would bring transparency to the cannibalistic hierarchy of his rule. Challengers would conveniently disappear along with the old, sick and injured. The policy of eliminating the undesirables would be given the politically correct name "interception". The implication, of course, being that the zombie chum had sacrificed themselves for the "greater good." Followers would report dissent to #zombiewatch.

In the end, Obama would be thrown to the zombie hordes by an angry mob. At that point he would become the zombie leader, Ozombie. Ozombie would be well suited to lead the mindless rotting hordes who depend upon sucking the life, blood and brains from the living. Unfortunately, the cannibalized human population would  pose another massive resource deficit for Ozombie's horde. Barry just can't catch a break.

The Republican Candidates:

Newt Gingrich (coming soon)

Rick Santorum (coming soon)

Ron Paul  (coming soon)

Mitt Romney  (coming soon)

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